Wait.. Weren’t we just here? This isn’t Canada?

Per my request, my handler left the car running following our departure from our parched environs until we reached a more agreeably location, even when he stopped to eat, murder hitchhikers, cavort with prostitutes of both genders, or whatever my imagination decided it was he was doing. The television programs in this nation are beginning to get to me. After a rather exhaustive journey and a wonderful evening spent within the confines of the Johnson Presidential Jacuzzi Suite. As always, peace did not persist and I was, yet again, jostled into a bit of sport:

At this point, I’m familiar with the American pastime of racing to the point where the thought of it induces unpleasant sensations and irregular bowel movements. Unlike the contents of my colon, my infatuation with it had seem to run its course. That is, until..

They let me in a car. They let me in a car!

THEY LET ME IN A CAR!@$!@$%!

Whatever adrenaline a toad can produce during the course of an eight minute period, let it be known that I produced it. My handler managed to finish in dead last out of six runners, with an average lap time of 35.58s. I, on the other hand, decimated the competition:

The second and third place finishers didn’t even bother getting on the podium. It was that bad. After the obligatory spraying of champagne, which went thoroughly unappreciated by the staff of the racing facility, it was back to the hotel for some wind down and a fine display from a visitor who happened to be in town to film one of those bizarre ‘trick shot’ billiards competitions for ESPN. He invited me onto the table to witness his skill.

I was nervous, but he was apparently proficient enough to manage what he dubbed the “Lipton Two-Pocket Sweaty Teabag.“

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After your first two weeks, it’s time to kick it up a notch. Break your body into sections and work chest, shoulders, triceps on day one. Do back and biceps on day two and legs on day three. Work your core on your fourth day. This time do at least three or four exercises for each body part. Your workouts should last 45 to 60 minutes. Alternating heavy sets with lighter ones is the most effective way to build muscle. Do sets of less than 10 reps alternated with sets of 15. Set your weight accordingly. You’ll know your weight is set right if you fail to complete the last rep or two of each set.
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During her public downfall Amanda had fallen out with her parents but the family lawyer reveals she’s “very happy to re establish the loving relationship” with her family.
Five months after being forcibly hospitalised in a rehab facility Amanda Bynes has completed her treatment and is now recovering in her parents’ home.
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“She was very persuasive,“ he said. “It’s a story that is still painful for my country and after filming some of the more violence scenes, I couldn’t stop crying.“
Miyavi, the Japanese pop star starring as cruel sergeant Matsuhiro Watanabe, has spoken about the harrowing experience of working on the project.
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He was encouraged by Jolie to immerse himself into the mindset of a man accustomed and desensitised to violence. In one scene, Miyavi’s character brutally beats Zamperini, played by Jack O’Connell.
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“I was more emotional than he was,“ she said. “I went in to take care of him and he was taking care of me. It was an extremely moving experience, to watch someone watching their own life.“
“At the same time, I didn’t want to be just a bad guy. I wanted to put humanity in this role. [Matsuhiro] was both crazy and sadistic, but also weak and traumatised.“
Jolie became close with Zamperini shortly before his death aged 97 last July, and was sure to show him an early cut of Unbroken.
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There is ember attack ahead of the fire, to close all doors and windows, and turn off evaporative air conditioners, but keep water running through the system if possible.
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